WASHINGTON , DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled — banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?”

Said Michael Chertoff, George Bush’s appointed Secretary of Homeland Security, “I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Sad thing is, you can almost see this being real…

Tip of the Wahoos’ cap to Paul for this great laugh.

One response »

  1. Don says:

    Ah, now see you had this great satire going and then you had to go and spoil it by telling us it was a satire. Wouldn’t have been funnier to see just how many “People of Inability” didn’t get it?

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